Fruitful Eating

There’s no way to avoid this post sounding like Christian cheese. You know, like Amish romance novels and punny tracts. So just forgive me, take what’s worth taking, and leave the rest.

Eat with love and joy. 

I always felt awkward opening gifts in front of people until I watched a good friend open her presents at her baby shower. She delighted in each gift, unwrapping it, touching it, thanking the giver, lifting it up to share. She gave each gift a whole moment. I realized that opening gifts wasn’t about my performance, it was about thanking the giver by delighting in the gift.

Food is a gift. Don’t forget that Someone gave it. Take slow bites, close your eyes, smell deeply. Food was given for you to enjoy it, and it gives your Giver pleasure to see that you do.

Eat with peace and patience. 

Take a moment with your food. Arrange your plate, make it beautiful. Cook something new. Ask a friend from another country to show you how to make a traditional dish. All this takes time – but it’s so much more rewarding then grabbing whatever’s convenient. (Remember, it’s okay to wait, even if you’re hungry).

It’s not a bad thing to have quick healthy options around, but shouldn’t we appreciate the fact that our bodies naturally bring us to stop a few times a day, allowing us to be still and indulge our senses?

Eat with kindness and goodness.

Eating has been a communal practice for centuries. Use good food to connect. Have friends over for dinner, throw a potluck, invite someone out to lunch. Everyone has to eat, so take the opportunity to reach out.

Eat with gentleness.

Be gentle with your body. Don’t try to squeak by with the bare minimum, and don’t overload your system with junk or oversized portions. Notice what makes you feel energetic and what makes you feel lethargic. Don’t hack a food group out of your diet (c’mon, people, carbs are your brain’s preferred energy source), but temper each one with moderation.

Eat with faithfulness and self-control.

Realize what you need to do and do it. Then do it again. And again. Don’t give into temptation. Realize that recovery isn’t about hiding from triggers, but making a different choice even when you are triggered. There will always be opportunities to return to your old habits. The difference is you.

But don’t forget: You can’t make yourself be good any more than you can concentrate really hard and sprout bananas from your ears. God’s power is the only changing power. You have to do this, but you can’t do it on your own. Draw near to Him, and He’ll draw near to you. Every time. (James 4:8).

Why You Should Quit Purging Before You Quit Bingeing

I’ll quit purging as soon as I stop bingeing. 

Bingeing is my real problem.

I would never purge if I didn’t binge.

If you’ve caught yourself thinking like that, you’ve fallen for another ED lie designed to keep you trapped in the b/p cycle for the rest of your life.

When you purge after a binge, you allow the binge.  If you had a child who tore apart his room every day, knocking over his bookshelves and shaking out his clothes drawers, but you came in every night and cleaned it up for him, do you think the behavior would stop? Even if you yelled at him, as long as your behavior didn’t change, neither would your child’s behavior. You have removed the consequences.

So even if you hate yourself for bingeing, if you “remove” the consequences by purging, you will never stop. What you have to do – and this may be the scariest thing you do in your entire life – is stop purging after bingeing. You have to hold yourself to your behavior. You can’t give yourself a way out. You have to feel the binge all the way through – what it does to your body, how it hurts, how it makes you feel the next day. That is the only way you will stop. And you know you need to stop.

You will feel bloated. You will feel fat. You will feel thirsty. You will feel angry, depressed, and betrayed. You will have a food hangover. It will suck.

But you will have victoriously defeated another recovery roadblock, and you will be that much closer to a big, fat, juicy life.

When Your Eating Disorder Makes You Fat: Recovery Questions

Will I gain weight when when I recover?

What you’re really asking is, If I finally let go of my rules and self-hatred, will I eat the whole world and become a huge, bloated pig? First of all, it’s probably your eating disorder that caused you to become overweight in the first place. Second of all, when your body regulates itself, and you begin to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full, and when you forgive mistakes instead of launching into a guilt-ridden binge, you will naturally move toward your healthiest weight over the years. This may or may not be “skinny.” It will probably be somewhere comfortable in the middle.

So I’ll lose weight when I recover?

Maybe, maybe not. I didn’t. My advice? You’ve been focusing on your weight for so long. What if you gave yourself a break for a while? Stop weighing yourself. Cut the sizes out of your clothes. Buy those new jeans you’ve been refusing to buy because you wanted to be size 6 before you splurged. Just live.

Should I seek out professional help?

You may be afraid parents and counselors will not understand the gravity of your disorder because you aren’t a skeleton. And it’s true, they may not understand. But that’s where you come in. You have to tell them. 

“This has taken over my life. All I think about is food and calories. I spend hours every day planning/purging/eating/not-eating. I’m exhausted, I’m depressed, I don’t know what to do. Please help me.”

That’s all you have to say.

Can I really have an eating disorder? Do I really deserve help? 

Yes and yes. An eating disorder is just an addiction to disordered eating, which you can have whether you’re 80 pounds or 800 pounds. And just so you know, it’s not just overweight recovering gals that struggle to believe they’re “sick enough.” This is just another trick we all play on ourselves to perpetuate our disorders. For more on being overweight with an eating disorder: read this post.

He is.

I exist. I exist in the world of buttered toast, home-brewed coffee, blustery sundays, and flamenco music. I exist and take up space, I influence and am influenced by a universe of gravity and rainstorms and people; I exist and make noise, my breath rushing in and out of my body, my footsteps hitting concrete sidewalks.

First I was not, now i am, sung into being by the great I Am, sung into an earth of cinnamon and tamarinds and circuses. This birth is my greatest gift, because through this sudden burst of senses, I have tumbled into awareness that He exists.

He exists. The moment His earth-song began, He sparked a yearning for New Years celebrations with dragons and fireworks, for from the beginning we have felt the value of beginnings, and for funerals with long caravans of numb traffic, for from the beginning we have felt the wrongness of endings. He has written His holy law on our hearts. He has written of His beauty in the skies. He has touched our hands and faces by wearing hands and a face Himself. This is all we know of Him, this wild earth, this Great Story unfolding through the ages, this Great Conversation spoken through history, but it is enough that we can have no excuse. He exists. He is here. He is.

This is my heartbeat, Sylvia Plath, a heartbeat that joins the song of the ages. He is. He is. He is. 

When Your Eating Disorder Makes You Fat

Yes, you can be overweight and have an eating disorder.

  • Being overweight doesn’t mean you aren’t as disordered as if you were skinny. You are in pain. Your weight can’t add or take away from that.
  • Being overweight doesn’t make your disorder less dangerous. If bulimia is your disorder of choice, you’re at risk of bursting your esophagus, destroying your teeth, ripping open your gums, dying of malnutrition and/or dehydration, acquiring a potentially fatal a heart disorder, and weakening your bones. If you fast or restrict to purge, you’re still looking at heart disease, malnutrition, and fragile bones. If you’re a compulsive overeater, you have to face diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart problems, and potentially obesity and all the health concerns that brings. So your disorder is “just as real” as if you were skinny, and you have no excuse for not getting help.
  • Being overweight doesn’t mean you should wait to recover until you look like you need help. That’s disorder talk, and it’s all lies. Fight for health today.

There are unique struggles to being overweight and having an eating disorder. It’s harder to explain what you’re going through. Some friends will not understand. Doctors may be insensitive. Your parents might brush it off.

But I understand. You understand. We know. We’ve lived this. And I can tell you, now that I’m through to the other side, freedom is worth the fight. I’m still the same weight I was when I was in disorderland, but my heart has bloomed. I’m joyful, strong, growing, learning. I am alive. More alive then I’ve ever been my entire life.

Your weight doesn’t disqualify you either from an eating disorder or from health. You get to choose.

How to Quit Pro Ana

Most people who are addicted to the world of pro-ana and pro-mia aren’t there because they believe eating disorders are lifestyles. They’re there because they’re hungry for understanding, for community, and for someone to make them believe that they aren’t crazy.

But there comes a point when we realize that pro-ana isn’t giving us what we came for. At that point, we’re so stuck in the world that it seems impossible to pull out.

Here’s five choices that helped me quit ana:

  1. Quit thinspo. Thinspiration is ana porn, leading you to objectify people, searching strangers for butterfly collarbones, and to have unrealistic expectations for yourself.
  2. Delete. Delete all documents, secret pinterest boards, blogs, tumblrs, memberships, and email accounts associated with your pro ana network. Unfollow pro ana blogs, bid adieu to ana buddies. Keep nothing.
  3. Resist the urge to lurk. Surfing the pro ana world without participating still affects you. Notice how you feel after wading through ana/mia propaganda for an hour. Empowered? Encouraged? Probably not.
  4. Distinguish fake love from real love. “Stay strong, lovelies” is the song of the day, and you do feel a sort of love for fellow ana and mias, but it is a selfish love. We are promoting potentially fatal choices. That’s not love. It’s a fondling hatred.
  5. Fight the fantasy. Transformation is the pro ana’s god, but if you visit the community again after five years, everyone will still be wrestling the same demons. Nobody will have transformed into a skeletal angel. There is no transformation, there is only an eternity of ABC diet challenges and reblogged waifs. And that’s no way to live.

I wish you the best for your fight.

Have you fallen for some pro-ana myths? Find out here: Pro Ana: Mythbusting Questions.

Pro Ana: Mythbusting Questions

I’m not pro-ana or pro-mia, but I used to be. Here are some answers to questions that I’ve heard bouncing around recoveryland.
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  • Does anyone who calls herself pro-ana or pro-mia have a real eating disorder?  Many people involved with the pro-ED community are just searching for companionship in a disorder they aren’t willing to give up yet.
  • Then why do pro-EDs call eating disorders a “lifestyle?” Personally, when I was involved with the community, it was comforting to believe that bulimia was an easy choice like vegetarianism or minimalism. I was already the queen of self-deception - “It’s not exactly lying to throw my pancakes under my brothers’ chairs even if they get yelled at for the mess” and “stealing food from friends doesn’t count if I purge it” - swallowing that lie was easy.
  • But aren’t there fakers that think anorexia is a diet? Of course. But how long do you think someone would last on an anorexic diet without either a) becoming anorexic or b) eating a pizza and moving on with their lives? (I wish recovery worked like that). Also, many “fakers” are just people trying to switch disorders, often Binge Eating Disorder for anorexia. They say they’ve already got the hell, so why not the body?
  • So are you saying we should allow pro ana and pro mia? No! Pro ana is wrong. It encourages people, often very young girls, to starve themselves to death or commit suicide trying. All I’m asking you to do is to soften your eyes when you look toward the world of ana/mia.

Above all, be compassionate. Look at the people, not just the problem.

Any more questions? Just ask!

Are you stuck in the world of pro ana or pro mia?  Check out How to Quit Pro Ana  or talk to me.

The Outrageous Child

God has invited me on a different adventure than the American Dream.  His hand is warm around mine, tugging me free from the Games of life. I get to follow Him into unfathomable uncharted waters, unprotected by the structure of college or even a career, I am free, I am young, I am an eternal soul cherished by my Creator. Success glitters like forbidden fruit among the trees, as sweet as apricots, as heady as wine, but success is worthless. All the Great Things in the world are useless without my beautiful wild fearsome compassionate Jesus.

I am willing to be His fool. To do the most useless, career-wreaking, silly things just to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. To be the nutcase dancing to music no one else can hear.

Today a friend was trying to remember a word for “one that doesn’t match,” and he stumbled upon the phrase, “the outrageous child.” In lemons, apples, and moonlight, moonlight is the outrageous child.

Maybe I was called to be an outrageous child.

And maybe that is beautiful.

Don’t fool yourself. Don’t think that you can be wise merely by being up-to-date with the times. Be God’s fool—that’s the path to true wisdom. What the world calls smart, God calls stupid.

- 1 Cor. 3:18-20

Addiction: Choice or Disease?

The destructive world of addictions touches almost everyone. Whether you’ve personally struggled with an addiction or you love someone who has, you are almost certainly emotionally involved with addictions. Friends struggle to find a way to approach an addict’s battle in the most nonjudgmental, healing way possible. Addicts fight to find the root of their problem. But no matter how addiction has impacted you, you know the discussion of addictions matters.

When I was eleven, I descended into a long fight with bulimia nervosa, an eating disorder. As I reached out for recovery years later, I was faced with two interpretations of my addiction. One claimed that my eating disorder was a disease, the other that it was a choice.

Addictions are all consuming. Though part of you longs to be a whole, healthy person again, you feel powerless to change. You become a slave to your cravings. So the disease interpretation wasn’t just comforting, it seemed true. It said I had a choice to start that first diet, but I didn’t choose to be addicted to hunger, to weight loss, or to food. I had been infected by my circumstances, and now my disorder was attacking me from the inside like a virus, injecting disease into healthy thoughts and multiplying.

The choice interpretation does acknowledge a corrupting disease, but that disease is not alcoholism or anorexia: it’s sin. The blame is shifted from outside factors to the addict. I was called to take ownership of my choices and repent.

I had to choose, because each interpretation had a different path to healing, and only one could lead to freedom. As I examined both options, I discovered that the truth was clear: addiction is a choice, not a disease. Factors like a disordered brain can influence an addict’s choices, but they can’t make choices for him. The consequences of sin impact the brain and the rest of the body, but those are only the results of the problem, not the problem itself.

The disease model of addictions blames physiology, childhood, abuse, and a myriad of other factors as if they have the power to infect a person with addiction. Calling an addiction a disease sounds attractive, because you’re off the hook. You’re just a puppet tied to a kite, flopping and leaping wherever the wind tugs. Popular psychology prescribes that you cut your puppet strings and step free of the factors that made you an addict, but puppets with cut strings aren’t very lively. You lie on the grass, wooden, and after you muster all your self-esteem, still wooden. If a person is powerless to choose evil, a person is powerless to choose good.

There is no logical option for full recovery within the disease model. The addict can change her circumstances. She can take medication to fill the holes in her circuitry. But as soon as bad things happen, or as soon as her medication falls short, she spirals back into addiction. We can’t blame her for it; her disease has just flared up again like a stubborn cancer. The recovered addict is forced to live in constant fear of relapse.

Outside factors can only influence choices, not make them. Because the addict chooses to engage in their addiction, they are not suffering from a disease, but choosing to sin.

“[An addiction] is something we do rather than catch.”

-Edward T. Welch

Within addiction you do become a puppet controlled by your appetites, you are powerless to choose good – but through the recognition of sin comes the possibility for repentance. And through repentance God breathes life into wood, transforming the addict into His free, alive child.

What about the brain?

 “At its core, addiction isn’t just a social problem or a moral problem or a criminal problem. It’s a brain problem whose behaviors manifest in all these other areas…The disease is about brains, not drugs.”

-  Dr. Michael Miller, past president of the American Society of Addiction Medicine

If our choices are merely the products of our brains, where the reward circuits dictate whether or not we fall in love, go to work, or eat a chicken sandwich, the addict is the logical one. They opt out of the complicated networks of choices that may or may not lead to brain-satisfying results and hack into their brain’s pleasure system. If we are our brains, non-addicts are equally enslaved to pleasure-releasing behavior as an addict. The non-addict just chooses more socially acceptable means.

The addict really lives the life the neuroscientist thinks we are by nature born to endure.

- Alva Noë, professor of philosophy at Berkeley

As soon as you isolate the brain as the only factor, you destroy what makes life fruitful and beautiful. To choose, to love, to worship, or to fellowship becomes a function of chemistry rather than an outflow of the heart. And addiction is no longer a disease, but a logical evasion of the brain game. But this is not true. Addictions are created from the involvement of the whole person, through your brain, your history, your emotions, and most of all, your worship.

When you look an an addict, do not do him the injustice of seeing merely an abusive childhood or misfiring synapses. An addict is a multi-faceted human being with a shattered soul, struggling against the flesh, thirsting for escape, and hungering for wholeness. Addicts are sinners. But they are sinners with a chance for full redemption.

This is the greatest comfort you can give an addict, not blamelessness. The freedom of accepting addiction as a sin is overwhelming. Instead of living in fear of outside events or brain malfunctions triggering a relapse, the addict is secure in repentance. Instead of trading one brain game for another, he has the potential to be renewed from the inside out. He is not only recovered, he is redeemed.