Hatred is maintained by squeezing your belly constantly, checking your thighs, paying attention to the rub between your arms and your sides, poking your calves. Hatred is maintained by scrutinizing every picture to determine how fat you looked rather than noticing your best friend grinning beside you. Hatred is maintained by struggling to manage the wobble of your body as you exercise rather than focusing on stretching your muscles.
Why? People struggling with eating disorders share hate in common, but not the reasons for hating. Take a little time in your head or your recovery journal exploring why you choose to hate yourself. If you’re having difficulty, try flipping the question around. What do you risk if you love yourself?
If you hate yourself enough, you’ll be able to change. If you stop hating yourself, you’ll stop seeing yourself as you truly are. You’ll become a fat frump who never adjusted to puberty, bingeing on noodles almost as limp as your hair. You’re miserable now, but all the self-hate will magically float away when you finally deem yourself Good Enough.
You do not body check to investigate for an inch of success. You body check to keep yourself wallowing in disgust. Stop. When you hate yourself, you’re so consumed with yourself you don’t have time to love others or worship your Creator. But when you lift your eyes from your belly, you’re free to jump into a big fat juicy life.
Rebekah Burcham struggled with bulimia nervosa
for almost six years before she fully embraced recovery.
She now co-edits UNGLOSSED magazine and manages
Big Fat Juicy while tackling her freshman year of college.